Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene — Notes

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Sohil Gupta

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Dec 5, 2019

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1. Everything we do in life springs from two motives: the sex instinct and the desire to be great.
2. Gratitude is the best antidote to envy.
3. Human aggression stems from an underlying insecurity.
4. When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. — Eric Hoffer
5. Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. — Gore Vidal
6. People who feel envy in the first place are often motivated to become our friends.
7. As our friends, enviers can discover our weak points and what will wound the most.
8. Enviers often use friendship and intimacy as the best way to wound the people they envy.
9. You pay a greater price for being so nice and deferential than for consciously showing your Shadow.
10. In the end, people want to hear their own ideas and preferences confirmed by an expert opinion.
11. The best strategy is to praise and flatter those qualities that people are most insecure about
12. Look for those qualities people are uncertain about and offer reassurance.
13. It is always better to praise people for their effort, not their talent.
14. For any human group, disorder and anarchy are too distressing.
15. Mirroring the leader’s ideas and values, without using their exact words, can be a highly effective form of indirect flattery.
16. We are all narcissists, some deeper on the spectrum than others.
17. Standing out too much, being seen as too brilliant or charming, will stir up envy, and you will die by a thousand bites.
18. By nature, we humans reject attempts by anyone to completely monopolize power
19. If you wish to win a man’s heart, allow him to confute you. — Benjamin Desraeli
20. We see people not as they are, but as they appear to us.

Transform Self-love into Empathy

The Law of Narcissism

1. We are all narcissists, some deeper on the spectrum than others.
2. People will do almost anything to get attention, including committing a crime or attempting suicide.
3. We simply cannot rely on others to give us constant validation, and yet we crave it.
4. We create a self, an image of ourselves that comforts us and makes us feel validated from within . This self is composed of our tastes, our opinions, how we look at the world, what we value. In building this self-image, we tend to accentuate our positive qualities and explain away our flaws. We cannot go too far in this, for if our self-image is too divorced from reality, other people will make us aware of the discrepancy, and we will doubt ourselves. But if it is done properly, in the end we have a self that we can love and cherish. Our energy turns inward. We become the center of our attention. When we experience those inevitable moments when we are alone or not feeling appreciated, we can retreat to this self and soothe ourselves. If we have moments of doubt and depression, our self-love raises us up, makes us feel worthy and even superior to others. This self-image operates as a thermostat, helping us to regulate our doubts and insecurities. We are no longer completely dependent on others for attention and recognition. We have self-esteem
5. In constructing a self that we can hold on to and love, the key moment in its development occurs between the ages of two and five years old.
6. In the backgrounds of almost all deep narcissists we find either abandonment or enmeshment.
7. The true spirit of conversation consists more in bringing out the cleverness of others than in showing a great deal of it yourself; he who goes away pleased with himself and his own wit is also greatly pleased with you. Most men . . . seek less to be instructed, and even to be amused, than to be praised and applauded. — Jean de La Bruyère
8. From early on in life we humans develop a defensive and self-protective side to our personality.
9. We have the feeling that people are always trying to take from us — they want our time, our money, our ideas, our labor.
10. Under a love spell, we let go of our ego and our habitual stubbornness; we give the other person unusual sway over our willpower.
11. What these moments have in common is that we feel inwardly secure — not judged but accepted by friends, the group, or the loved one. We see a reflection of ourselves in others. We can relax. At our core we feel validated. Not needing to turn inward and defensive, we can direct our minds outward, beyond our ego — to a cause, a new idea, or the happiness of the other.
12. The self-reliant type may have experienced a very distant mother, be haunted by feelings of abandonment, and have crafted a self-image of rugged independence.
13. the rebel type had a father figure who disappointed him; or perhaps he suffered from bullying and cannot bear any feeling of inferiority. He must despise all authority.
14. Our self-opinion is primary: it determines so much of our thinking and our values.
15. And in a harsh and competitive world in which we are all prone to continual self-doubt, we almost never get this validation that we crave.
16. Your task is simple: instill in people a feeling of inner security. Mirror their values; show that you like and respect them.
17. We humans cannot stand feelings of powerlessness. We need to have influence or we become miserable.
18. When giving people gifts or rewards as a possible means of winning them over to your side, it is always best to give smaller gifts or rewards than larger ones. Large gifts make it too apparent that you are trying to buy their loyalty, which will offend people’s sense of independence. Some might accept large gifts out of need, but later they will feel resentful or suspicious. Smaller gifts have a better effect—people can tell themselves they deserve such things and are not being bought or bribed. In fact, such smaller rewards, spread out over time, will bind people to you in a much greater way than anything lavish.
19. If you wish to win a man’s heart, allow him to confute you. — Benjamin Desraeli
20. You can create a similar effect by asking people for advice. The implication is that you respect their wisdom and experience.
21. Lowering people’s defenses in this way on matters that are not so important will give you great latitude to move them in the direction you desire and get them to concede to your desires on more important matters.
22. If your targets are powerful and quite Machiavellian, they might feel somewhat insecure about their moral qualities. Flattering them about their clever manipulations might backfire, but obvious praise of their goodness would be too transparent, because they know themselves too well. Instead, some strategic flattery about how you have benefited from their advice and how their criticisms helped improve your performance will appeal to their self-opinion of being tough yet fair, with a good heart underneath the gruff exterior.
23. Goodness. In our daily thoughts, we constantly comfort ourselves as to the moral nature of our actions
24. To make positive use of Goodness trait in people, frame what you are asking them to do as part of a larger cause that they can participate in. They are not merely buying clothes but helping the environment or keeping jobs local.
25. If you are trying to get recruits for a job, let others spread the message about the cause
26. To put yourself in the inferior, one-down position, you can commit some relatively harmless faux pas, even offend people in a more pronounced way, and then ask for their forgiveness.
27. If you need a favor from people, do not remind them of what you have done for them in the past, trying to stimulate feelings of gratitude. Gratitude is rare because it tends to remind us of our helplessness, our dependence on others. We like to feel independent. Instead, remind them of the good things they have done for you in the past. This will help confirm their self-opinion: “Yes, I am generous.” And once reminded, they will want to continue to live up to this image and do yet another good deed
28. The best strategy is to praise and flatter those qualities that people are most insecure about
29. Look for those qualities people are uncertain about and offer reassurance.
30. It is always better to praise people for their effort, not their talent. When you extol people for their talent, there is a slight deprecation implied, as if they were simply lucky for being born with natural skill. Instead, everyone likes to feel that they earned their good fortune through hard work, and that is where you must aim your praise.
31. With people who are your equals, you have more room to flatter. With those who are your superiors, it is best to simply agree with their opinions and validate their wisdom. Flattering your boss is too transparent.
32. Never follow up your praise with a request for help, or whatever it is you are after. Your flattery is a setup and requires the passage of some time
33. Keep in mind that your target must have a relatively high self-opinion. If it is low, the flattery will not jibe with how they feel about themselves and will ring hollow, whereas for those of high self-opinion it will seem only natural.
34. Use people’s resistance and stubbornness. Some people are particularly resistant to any form of influence. They are most often people with deeper levels of insecurity and low self-opinion. This can manifest itself in a rebellious attitude. Such types feel as if it is them against the world. They must assert their will at allcosts and resist any kind of change. They will do the opposite of what people suggest. They will seek advice for a particular problem or symptom, only to find dozens of reasons of why the advice given won’t work for them. The best thing to do is to play a game of mental judo with them. In judo you do not counter people’s moves with a thrust of your own but rather encourage their aggressive energy (resistance) in order to make them fall on their own.
35. People often won’t do what others ask them to do, because they simply want to assert their will. If you heartily agree with their rebellion and tell them to keep on doing what they’re doing, it now means that if they do so they are following your advice, which is distasteful to them. They may very well rebel again and assert their will in the opposite direction, which is what you wanted all along—the essence of reverse psychology.
36. As children our minds wereremarkably flexible. We could learn at a rate that far surpasses our adult capacities. We can attribute much of the source of this power to our feelings of weakness and vulnerability. Sensing our inferiority in relation to those older than us, we felt highly motivated to learn. We were also genuinely curious and hungry for new information. We were open to the influence of parents, peers, and teachers.
37. Just as our sense of weakness and vulnerability motivated the desire to learn, so does our creeping sense of superiority slowly close us off to new ideas and influences.
38. Retain the flexibility of youth along with the reasoning powers of the adult.
39. It would be wise to look at those who are successful in their field. Inevitably we will see that most of them are much less bound by these codes. They are generally more assertive and overtly ambitious. They care much less what others think of them. They flout the conventions openly and proudly. And they are not punished but greatly rewarded.
40. Steve Jobs is a classic example. He showed his rough, Shadow side in his way of working with others. Our tendency in looking at people like Jobs is to admire their creativity and subtract their darker qualities as unnecessary. If only he had been nicer, he would have been a saint. But in fact the dark side was inextricably interwoven with his power and creativity. His ability to not listen to others, to go his own way, and be a bit rough about it were key parts of his success, which we venerate. And so it is with many creative, powerful people. Subtract their active Shadow, and they would be like everyone else.
41. You pay a greater price for being so nice and deferential than for consciously showing your Shadow.
42. First, respect your own opinions more and those of others less, particularly when it comes to your areas of expertise, to the field you have immersed yourself in. Trust your native genius and the ideas you have come up with. Second, get in the habit in your daily life of asserting yourself more and compromising less. Third, start caring less what people think of you. Fourth, realize that at times you must offend and even hurt people who block your path, who have ugly values, who unjustly criticize you. Fifth, feel free to play the impudent, willful child who mocks the stupidity and hypocrisy of others.
43. Unfortunately there is no doubt about the fact that man is, as a whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. — Carl Jung

Chapter 10: Law of Envy

1. For some of us, the need to compare (ENVY) serves as a spur to excel through our work. For others, it can turn into deep envy — feelings of inferiority and frustration that lead to covert attacks and sabotage.
2. Envy is a painful emotion, an admission of our own inferiority, something rather unbearable for us humans. It is not an emotion we want to sit with and brood over. We like to conceal it from ourselves and not be aware that it motivates our actions.
3. Envy occurs most commonly and painfully among friends.
4. People who feel envy in the first place are often motivated to become our friends.
5. As our friends, enviers can discover our weak points and what will wound the most.
6. We always feel better about people who seem to like us, and enviers know this well. Rely upon the opinions of friends and neutral third parties.
7. The envy of the friend will also tend to leak out in sudden looks and disparaging comments.
8. Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. — Gore Vidal
9. Envy entails the admission to ourselves that we are inferior to another person in something we value. Not only is it painful to admit this inferiority, but it is even worse for others to see that we are feeling this.
10. Instead of violence, enviers are likely to sabotage our work, ruin a relationship, sully our reputation, torment us with criticisms that are aimed at our most basic insecurities.
11. Tell suspected enviers some good news about yourself — a promotion, a new and exciting love interest, a book contract. You will notice a very quick expression of disappointment. Their tone of voice as they congratulate you will betray some tension and strain. Equally, tell them some misfortune of yours and notice the uncontrollable microexpression of joy in your pain, what is commonly known as schadenfreude. Their eyes light up for a fleeting second. People who are envious cannot help feeling some glee when they hear of the bad luck of those they envy.
12. Enviers often use friendship and intimacy as the best way to wound the people they envy. They display unusual eagerness to become your friend. They saturate you with attention. If you are in any way insecure, this will have great effect. They praise you a little too effusively too early on. Through the closeness they establish they are able to gather material on you and find your weak points. Suddenly, after your emotions are engaged, they criticize you in pointed ways. The criticism is confusing, not particularly related to anything you have done, but still you feel guilty. They then return to their initial warmth. The pattern repeats. You are trapped between the warm friendship and the occasional pain they inflict.

Chapter 14: Resist the downward pull of Groups:

1. When people operate in groups, they do not engage in nuanced thinking and deep analysis. Only individuals with a degree of calmness and detachment can do so. People in groups feel emotional and excited. Their primary desire is to fit in to the group spirit. Their thinking tends to be simplistic—good versus evil, with us or against us.
2. Deliberately creating chaos makes the group more certain to fall into these primitive patterns of thinking, since it is too frightening for humans to live with too much confusion and uncertainty.
3. By nature, we humans reject attempts by anyone to completely monopolize power
4. People may think they are joining because of the different ideas or goals of this tribe or the other, but what they want more than anything is the sense of belonging and a clear tribal identity.
5. Around others, we naturally tend to feel insecure as to what they think of us. We feel pressure to fit in, and to do so, we begin to shape our thoughts and beliefs to the group orthodoxies
6. If we looked at ourselves, the moment we enter our workspace or any group, we undergo a change. We easily slip into more primitive modes of thinking and behaving, without realizing it.
7. We tend to worry a lot about our status and where we rank in the hierarchy.
8. We unconsciously imitate others in the group—in appearances, verbal expressions, and ideas.
9. In a group setting we become more passive or more aggressive than usual, revealing the less developed sides of our character.
10. Imagine some outside threat to our group’s well-being or stability, a crisis of sorts. All of the reactions would be intensified by the stress, and our apparently civilized, sophisticated group could become quite volatile. We would feel greater pressure to prove our loyalty and go along with anything the group advocated. Our thinking about the rival/enemy would become even more simplistic and heated. Our group could split up into factions with tribal dynamics. Charismatic leaders could easily emerge to exploit this volatility. If pushed far enough, the potential for aggression lies under the surface of almost any group. But even if we hold back from overt violence, the primitive dynamic that takes over can have grave consequences, as the group overreacts and makes decisions based on exaggerated fears or uncontrollable excitement.
11. When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. —Eric Hoffer
12. Among higher primates, this includes imitating those higher up in the rank as a show of inferiority.
13. Anxiety and fear are strongest contagions of emotions. Other highly contagious emotions are joy and excitement, tiredness and apathy, and intense anger and hatred. Desire is also highly contagious
14. When we are in the group, this doubting, reflective mechanism is neutralized. Let us say the group has to decide on an important strategy. We feel the urgency to act. Arguing and deliberating is tiring, and where will it end. We feel the pressure to decide and get behind the decision. If we dissent, we might be marginalized or excluded, and we recoil from such possibilities.
15. If as individuals we had some plan that was clearly ridiculous, others would warn us and bring us back down to earth, but in a group the opposite happens—everyone seems to validate the scheme, no matter how delusional
16. The culture will often center on an ideal that the group imagines for itself—liberal, modern, progressive, ruthlessly competitive, tasteful, et cetera
17. The larger the group and the more established the culture over time, the more likely it will control you than the other way around.
18. No matter the type of culture, or how disruptive it might have been in its origins, the longer a group exists and the larger it grows, the more conservative it will become. This is an inevitable result of the desire to hold on to what people have made or built, and to rely on tried-and-true ways to maintain the status quo.
19. For any human group, disorder and anarchy are too distressing.
20. When you are new to a group, Look at who’s rising and who’s falling within the group—signs of the standards that govern success and failure. Does success stem more from results or from political schmoozing?
21. First, courtiers have to gain the attention of leaders and ingratiate themselves in some way. The most immediate way to do this is through flattery, since leaders inevitably have large egos and a hunger to have their high self-opinion validated.
22. The best courtiers know how to tailor their flattery to the particular insecurities of the leader and to make it less direct. They focus on flattering qualities in the leader that no one else has bothered to pay attention to but that need extra validation. If everyone praises the leader’s business acumen but not his or her cultural refinement, you will want to aim at the latter.
23. Mirroring the leader’s ideas and values, without using their exact words, can be a highly effective form of indirect flattery.
24. Standing out too much, being seen as too brilliant or charming, will stir up envy, and you will die by a thousand bites.
25. You want as many courtiers on your side as possible. Learn to downplay your successes, to listen (or seem to listen) deeply to the ideas of others, strategically giving them credit and praise in meetings, paying attention to their insecurities.
26. If you must take action against particular courtiers, make it as indirect as possible, working to slowly isolate them in the group, never appearing too aggressive.
27. The best courtiers are consummate actors and that their smiles and professions of loyalty mean very little. In the court, it does not pay to be naive. Without being paranoid, try to question people’s motives.
28. Trying to act superior to the political games or the need to flatter will only make you look suspicious to others; nobody likes the holier-than-thou attitude. All you’ll get for your “honesty” is to be marginalized. Better to be the consummate courtier and find some pleasure in the game of court strategy.
29. Love, friendship, respect do not unite people as much as common hatred for something. — Anton Chekhov
30. Over enough time, individuals in a group will begin to split off into factions. The reason for this dynamic is simple: In a group, we get a narcissistic boost from being around those who share our values. But in a group over a certain size, this becomes too abstract. The differences among the members become noticeable. Our power to influence the group as individuals is reduced. We want something more immediate, and so we form subgroups and cliques with those who seem even more like us, giving us back that narcissistic boost.
31. The less we are certain about our self-worth as individuals, the more we are unconsciously drawn toward fitting in and blending ourselves into the group spirit.
32. In the past, people’s sense of belonging to certain groups was more stable and secure. To be a Baptist or a Catholic or a communist or a French citizen provided one with a strong sense of identity and pride. With the diminishing power of these large-scale belief systems, we have lost this inner security, and yet we retain the same profound human need to belong. So many of us are searching for groups to join, hungry for the approval of others who share our values. We are more permeable than ever. This makes us eager to become a member of the latest cult or political movement. It makes us highly susceptible to the influence of some unscrupulous populist leader who preys upon this need.
33. Instead of forming large-scale groups, we now form tribes of diminishing size, to get a greater narcissistic boost. We view larger groups with suspicion.